Limited Party Angst

Along with my eating disorder, I have a little bit of social anxiety. It's a chicken and egg question that I can't answer, but in general the social anxiety bothers me more b/c I feel dependent upon other people. I can go to a party if my husband promises to stay near me, but that's not always feasible (both because that can get awkward at a party and because he doesn't go to everything I go to). Since I recognize that I have some social fears and since I believe them to be illogical, I try to force myself to attend events.

Today I attended a graduation party for two of my former students. I accepted the invite because I had mentored one of the two young men throughout high school. I wanted to support him and by my presence show him that I am proud of him. But this was an event my husband wasn't invited to (nor would he want to come) and my usual go-to school companion never taught either student, so she wasn't invited. Instead of this being a debacle, I took a few steps that made it surprisingly successful.

First, I made arrangements with another teacher to meet her there, so I knew I'd have someone to talk to. Plus, she's incredibly social and self-confident and knows all the parents, so I knew she would dominate conversations. Second, I gave myself a time limit, so I knew I had a goal to count down to should I get anxious. (I ended up staying 30 min later because I was having fun!) Third, I woke up feeling fat and ugly. I couldn't exactly change that with a snap of my fingers, but I did make some wise moves to stunt the ugliness from spreading. I chose to wear a dress that I know I look great in--I know this because I get compliments when I wear it and I look good in my brother's graduation pictures when I wore it. Wearing something I love helped me feel prettier, even though I still felt gigantic. I blow dried my hair straight, which is a good look for me (and a change after weeks of wavy air-dried hair)and I threw on some mascara. By taking some minor and easy steps in my appearance, I eliminated potential self-obsession about my looks.

When I got to the party I had a pang of fear and I certainly stayed close to my friend for the first 10 minutes. But then I found that the hostesses were friendly and welcoming (duh!) and once I started talking to the kids, it all felt normal. In fact,I didn't need to be next to my friend as the whole thing felt reasonable and normal and even a little fun. This is in marked contrast to the grad party last year where I never left my friend's side, I felt anxious the entire time and I promptly left as soon as was acceptable.

I like when I can see change in myself because sometimes I can't be too sure. But this party, held at the same house as last year (siblings, one year apart) with mostly the same people went significantly better for me. I hope to file this positive experience ahead of all the past anxiety-prone ones so that I can build my confidence and willingly step out into more social situations. I really appreciate that dealing with my eating disorder is also having positive effects on other parts of my life. It's certainly something encouraging that I can point to when I don't feel like I'm handling the eating disorder as well as I'd like.