Binging. I've been doing it for the last two days. It's not like before though. Before being, before my husband and I started really addressing our problems. I was only mildly out of control these last two days. I know, that sounds weird. I'm blogging though to help me overcome this, not because I've already overcome it. I need to start being aware of my triggers, but I'm just not sure what they are.
On both days it happened after I came home from work and after-work stuff. But I didn't come directly home on either day. On Tuesday I started to feel out of whack. I was worried about binging. On Tuesday I was busy until 9:30 pm. I ate dinner on the run (local sub shop) and ate the whole sandwich when it went beyond being full. That made me worry a bit. Yesterday, I went to counseling and talked about fighting the binge. I thought I was okay. But I came home, and even though I was full, I had been dreaming for two days about trying this new vanilla ice cream and eating jordan almonds. I almost couldn't stop eating the almonds and I had three bowls of ice cream--some plain and some with peanut butter. The sick part to admit is that I felt really good afterward. I felt calm and satisfied. I was more than full, but no where near as stuffed as I've made myself before. I also didn't feel compelled to sleep and I didn't have a pressing problem that I was avoiding. So what brought on the binge? Likewise, today, I guess I ate reasonably (when I reflect upon it in my head), but I had one slice of pecan pie and then felt like I HAD to have another. It's that overwhelming sense of NEEDING to keep eating that scares me. And I don't understand why it's happening suddenly.
Is it because Jon is out of town? Because curling is coming to an end and I don't know what to replace it with? Is it just the ridiculous hours I've been busy this week, when the earliest I've been home was a little after 8 pm? Is it because tomorrow I'm giving my principal my letter of resignation for a supplemental position that I do on top of teaching and I'm concerned about the fall-out for me and my department? Is it the recent demonizing of a colleague by the administration? Is it the helplessness I feel when I think about all the time, energy, and demands put on me by a very small minority of the students (kids on IEPs/504s) which takes away my time to benefit all students?
I'm going to sleep on a full stomach and no answers, but I feel better for articulating the things that are bothering me...even if I don't know which one(s) plays the biggest role.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Hard Day
This day got progressively harder as the hours ticked away. I can't quite place where it all started...was it when my husband left to catch a flight before I normally wake up for work? Or was it watching the documentary on Genie (by Nova) three times for my Psychology class? Was it saying "no" to a chocolate doughnut offered to me before school even started when I really, really wanted it? (Is that why I ate 2 fun-sized packs of sweet tarts, approximately 15-20 Jordan almonds through the course of the day, and a brownie after curling?!)While I don't know what might have triggered it, I do know that my emotional state was revved up in my union building committee meeting.
I left the meeting beating myself up for being overly-emotional, for not giving solutions (I might have offered some, but in my heightened state I surely wasn't giving myself any credit if I did), and for being angry at what is happening to some teacher friends of mine. I tried to tell myself that I could be nice and accepting of me, that it's okay to be upset about upsetting news, but it wasn't really working. I was also afraid that I wouldn't be able to eat dinner because the meeting ran over late and I had curling at 7 pm, with necessary stops at home (for curling clothes) and the grocery store (my team's turn to bring snacks). I left the union building committee meetings teetering on edge and decided to get a sub sandwich from a local shop to help protect myself from binging at home. I ate the sandwich in my car while driving home as if my life depended on it. I inhaled it. My growling stomach felt satiated, but my mind and emotions were still reeling.
I hoped curling would help and to some extent it did. Being on the ice with my team got my mind off the problems of the day and I ended up having a ton of fun. I don't usually eat with everyone after curling, but today I had some cheese, crackers, and a brownie. Maybe I ate for emotional reasons, maybe for social reasons (we did bring the snacks for the group), or maybe b/c I had a diet coke with dinner and the sweetness was making me crave food. I don't know, but I was kind of worried before and now I'm kind of okay with it. It's not the end of the world.
Yes, I felt out of control today. But, I did some things to help me feel better in control or to acknowledge that I can't control it all. And those things helped me stave off a huge binge. For instance, I called my husband and talked to him for 3 minutes before his flight took off this evening and just that little time helped me reconnect with him and helped ground me. I gave myself healthy food. I probably did eat more than I needed to--I felt stuffed at times, but it wasn't with junk food the way it used to be. These are the small baby steps I need to take.
I need to also acknowledge and believe that even though I had some difficulties today, I dealt with them in the way that I am currently best equipped to do this. I made it through my day. Just because some things went "off" a bit does not mean that tomorrow has to be an "all or nothing" day. Some days will just be a struggle. But it's the struggle that is building and equipping me for the eventual triumph over my binge eating disorder.
I left the meeting beating myself up for being overly-emotional, for not giving solutions (I might have offered some, but in my heightened state I surely wasn't giving myself any credit if I did), and for being angry at what is happening to some teacher friends of mine. I tried to tell myself that I could be nice and accepting of me, that it's okay to be upset about upsetting news, but it wasn't really working. I was also afraid that I wouldn't be able to eat dinner because the meeting ran over late and I had curling at 7 pm, with necessary stops at home (for curling clothes) and the grocery store (my team's turn to bring snacks). I left the union building committee meetings teetering on edge and decided to get a sub sandwich from a local shop to help protect myself from binging at home. I ate the sandwich in my car while driving home as if my life depended on it. I inhaled it. My growling stomach felt satiated, but my mind and emotions were still reeling.
I hoped curling would help and to some extent it did. Being on the ice with my team got my mind off the problems of the day and I ended up having a ton of fun. I don't usually eat with everyone after curling, but today I had some cheese, crackers, and a brownie. Maybe I ate for emotional reasons, maybe for social reasons (we did bring the snacks for the group), or maybe b/c I had a diet coke with dinner and the sweetness was making me crave food. I don't know, but I was kind of worried before and now I'm kind of okay with it. It's not the end of the world.
Yes, I felt out of control today. But, I did some things to help me feel better in control or to acknowledge that I can't control it all. And those things helped me stave off a huge binge. For instance, I called my husband and talked to him for 3 minutes before his flight took off this evening and just that little time helped me reconnect with him and helped ground me. I gave myself healthy food. I probably did eat more than I needed to--I felt stuffed at times, but it wasn't with junk food the way it used to be. These are the small baby steps I need to take.
I need to also acknowledge and believe that even though I had some difficulties today, I dealt with them in the way that I am currently best equipped to do this. I made it through my day. Just because some things went "off" a bit does not mean that tomorrow has to be an "all or nothing" day. Some days will just be a struggle. But it's the struggle that is building and equipping me for the eventual triumph over my binge eating disorder.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Curling
How has curling helped me with my eating disorder? For one, I can't binge if I'm not home or near food. :-) More importantly, curling helps me because it has helped change my mindset about me.
First, I happen to do better when I know others are counting on me. As I said in an earlier post about dinner: if I know my husband will be home I eat better. When he's out of town, I barely care about what I eat. Today is a great example, he's in town but I subbed for a girl in curling tonight, so I fixed him up a plate of food to microwave when he came home. Because I was fixing up a plate for him, I made one for myself and had a healthy dinner before curling. Anyway, back to curling. I know the people on my team are counting on me, so even when my mind tells me "you're no good" or "I don't feel like doing anything but lying on the couch and sleeping all day," I feel compelled to get up and go curl. Without me, my team isn't complete and will forfeit (unless I find a sub, but my negative mindset doesn't usually give me time to do advance sub planning). So, because others count on me, I show up and curl which leads to me having fun (even when we lose).
Second, curling is a VERY SOCIAL sport. The winners buy the losers drinks afterward, so this is definitely up my alley. I have met some really interesting people from various regions/countries, age groups, professions, political/religious views, etc. Meeting other people and establishing some new friendships helps me to feel less alienated. The less alienated I feel, the less likely I am to binge.
Third, curling gets me moving. I am no marathon runner (or a sprinter). In fact, outside of sports, I have not been particularly fond of exercising. I wasn't even much of an individual sports person in high school. While I did play varsity tennis, I greatly preferred (and played better) in doubles than singles. I cross-country skied my 9th grade year in AK, but I liked practices with my team, team carbo-loads, and melting the wax on our skies together more than the actual racing. With the exception of the elliptical machine, which I could work out on while reading in grad school, I haven't been excited about exercising alone. Curling allows me to have fun, while forcing me to exercise. And because I want to get better for my team, I challenge myself to sweep harder and to be more flexible and balanced when I throw the stone. It's pretty cool and I appreciate that I'm moving out there. Plus, when I move around, I am also less inclined to binge. Maybe this is because of the "natural high" one gets when moving, or maybe it's the camaraderie on the ice, or maybe I want to just be at my best for curling, but I find I don't want to just stuff junk in my mouth. I hope to somehow sustain this movement when the season ends in a couple weeks.
Fourth, curling is hard but I've had some triumphs. The amount of physical and mental control one needs to play this game of finesse is pretty high. I have found that if my head isn't in the game, my form can be perfect but I will not make the shots. If my head is in the game, chances are high my shot will be decent. I am always encouraged when I make a good shot. It helps that the culture of the sport is encouraging, so others (both on your team and your opponent) often compliment you. I like getting compliments and since I'm learning to be open to them (along with feelings and emotions), I believe and appreciate them. I like that's I've taken on a challenge and am giving myself time to develop and improve. I love that I get to play with experienced and inexperienced players and all of them accept me for me, even though my skill level is that of a beginner. As I find patience for myself with curling and can literally feel myself improving as my body remembers what the "back of the house" weight feels like v. "biting blue" v. " a guard," I realize that this patience and acceptance of myself CAN be applied to me overcoming my binge eating disorder.
Fifth, curling really took me out of my comfort zone, yet I have fond success. My husband and I signed up for the six week (free) beginners curling clinic, but due to work he only made one class. I hated going alone. I hated having to make chit-chat and quick impressions. I felt awkward, unskilled, embarrassed, and fearful every week. I worried about no one talking to me and my cheeks burned when we sat in the clubhouse and I had no one to sit next to. But I forced myself to go every week and it got a little easier. Then I had to get 5 letters of recommendation to join the club, which meant I had to "cold call" current members and ask for these letters because I knew no one. That freaked me out to no end, but I told myself that the worst they could say was "no" and anyway, I really wanted to curl and this is what I had to do to make that happen. I made it happen. Each step I took over my comfort zone that brought me success was another step toward a renewed self-confidence. I haven't yet attended a bonspiel, but I signed up for the inter-club bonspiel at the end of the season and that will be one more step out of my comfort zone. Binge eating is my comfort zone, but I know I can step out of it and be better for it, just like with curling.
For these reasons, and the sheer fun of the game, I love curling. It is the right sport, at the right time, to meet my temperament, interests, and needs. It is a help to me in curbing my binges...honestly, I can't remember a Tuesday or Sunday binge (the days I curl). I don't think this is coincidence.
First, I happen to do better when I know others are counting on me. As I said in an earlier post about dinner: if I know my husband will be home I eat better. When he's out of town, I barely care about what I eat. Today is a great example, he's in town but I subbed for a girl in curling tonight, so I fixed him up a plate of food to microwave when he came home. Because I was fixing up a plate for him, I made one for myself and had a healthy dinner before curling. Anyway, back to curling. I know the people on my team are counting on me, so even when my mind tells me "you're no good" or "I don't feel like doing anything but lying on the couch and sleeping all day," I feel compelled to get up and go curl. Without me, my team isn't complete and will forfeit (unless I find a sub, but my negative mindset doesn't usually give me time to do advance sub planning). So, because others count on me, I show up and curl which leads to me having fun (even when we lose).
Second, curling is a VERY SOCIAL sport. The winners buy the losers drinks afterward, so this is definitely up my alley. I have met some really interesting people from various regions/countries, age groups, professions, political/religious views, etc. Meeting other people and establishing some new friendships helps me to feel less alienated. The less alienated I feel, the less likely I am to binge.
Third, curling gets me moving. I am no marathon runner (or a sprinter). In fact, outside of sports, I have not been particularly fond of exercising. I wasn't even much of an individual sports person in high school. While I did play varsity tennis, I greatly preferred (and played better) in doubles than singles. I cross-country skied my 9th grade year in AK, but I liked practices with my team, team carbo-loads, and melting the wax on our skies together more than the actual racing. With the exception of the elliptical machine, which I could work out on while reading in grad school, I haven't been excited about exercising alone. Curling allows me to have fun, while forcing me to exercise. And because I want to get better for my team, I challenge myself to sweep harder and to be more flexible and balanced when I throw the stone. It's pretty cool and I appreciate that I'm moving out there. Plus, when I move around, I am also less inclined to binge. Maybe this is because of the "natural high" one gets when moving, or maybe it's the camaraderie on the ice, or maybe I want to just be at my best for curling, but I find I don't want to just stuff junk in my mouth. I hope to somehow sustain this movement when the season ends in a couple weeks.
Fourth, curling is hard but I've had some triumphs. The amount of physical and mental control one needs to play this game of finesse is pretty high. I have found that if my head isn't in the game, my form can be perfect but I will not make the shots. If my head is in the game, chances are high my shot will be decent. I am always encouraged when I make a good shot. It helps that the culture of the sport is encouraging, so others (both on your team and your opponent) often compliment you. I like getting compliments and since I'm learning to be open to them (along with feelings and emotions), I believe and appreciate them. I like that's I've taken on a challenge and am giving myself time to develop and improve. I love that I get to play with experienced and inexperienced players and all of them accept me for me, even though my skill level is that of a beginner. As I find patience for myself with curling and can literally feel myself improving as my body remembers what the "back of the house" weight feels like v. "biting blue" v. " a guard," I realize that this patience and acceptance of myself CAN be applied to me overcoming my binge eating disorder.
Fifth, curling really took me out of my comfort zone, yet I have fond success. My husband and I signed up for the six week (free) beginners curling clinic, but due to work he only made one class. I hated going alone. I hated having to make chit-chat and quick impressions. I felt awkward, unskilled, embarrassed, and fearful every week. I worried about no one talking to me and my cheeks burned when we sat in the clubhouse and I had no one to sit next to. But I forced myself to go every week and it got a little easier. Then I had to get 5 letters of recommendation to join the club, which meant I had to "cold call" current members and ask for these letters because I knew no one. That freaked me out to no end, but I told myself that the worst they could say was "no" and anyway, I really wanted to curl and this is what I had to do to make that happen. I made it happen. Each step I took over my comfort zone that brought me success was another step toward a renewed self-confidence. I haven't yet attended a bonspiel, but I signed up for the inter-club bonspiel at the end of the season and that will be one more step out of my comfort zone. Binge eating is my comfort zone, but I know I can step out of it and be better for it, just like with curling.
For these reasons, and the sheer fun of the game, I love curling. It is the right sport, at the right time, to meet my temperament, interests, and needs. It is a help to me in curbing my binges...honestly, I can't remember a Tuesday or Sunday binge (the days I curl). I don't think this is coincidence.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Feeling my emotions
Feelings. Emotions. According to comedians, men don't have them and women have a plethora. Well, I'm a woman and I am working hard on allowing myself to having feelings and emotions. See, a big part of binge eating disorder is an inability to deal with what is emotionally going on in your life, and so you turn to food to help quell the fear, pain, sadness, anxiety, etc. Even I can logically see that binging doesn't address or solve whatever problem or emotion causes me to eat a tremendous amount of food. But, when I don't know how (or don't believe I have a right) to access my emotions, how else do I deal with a situation?
Since September, but really in the past month I have been working on allowing myself to feel life and to express my emotions. For instance, I messed up with a friend, took responsibility for my actions once I was made aware that I had messed up and apologized multiple times via email and in person. My friend didn't speak to me for about a week. I felt horrible for what I had said, which embarrassed and upset her, and I was full of angst over it. I talked to my husband about it and I cried and when I felt like binging I asked myself why I wanted to eat. This caused me to acknowledge that I was hurting and to give myself permission to hurt.
It's a weird concept, letting myself feel sadness and hurt and longing. It's sometimes very hard for me to figure out what I feel. A few nights ago my husband, on a business trip, called and as he was talking I got angry. I didn't understand why or where this anger was coming from, but it washed all over me. In the past I would have picked a fight (and I almost did this time, but he called me out on it and asked, "Are you trying to start a fight?"). I told him that I didn't understand why I was angry, but I was and needed to figure it out, so I'd call him back later. An hour later I called back because what I realized was that his call had interrupted my first blog, which was stirring up all sorts of emotions. I needed to finish blogging to restore equilibrium, and then I could call and talk. In the past, if a wave of negative emotion washed over me it would lead to a fight or to me feeling guilty for almost starting a fight or me feeling alienated because of the conversation. I would not have dealt with any of those feelings. I would have gone straight to the kitchen and started eating. This ability to step back, allow myself to feel something, try to figure out what I feel and then to take appropriate action, is all ridiculously new to me.
This new-found vulnerability is actually good for me. I think that I'm finding that the more vulnerable I am, the nicer my husband is (or maybe I'm just better able to see what has always been there). For the first 9 years of our marriage I would not have ever thought that could be the case. My husband is very logical and I thought that to be a better person (maybe even in the hopes that he would love/like me more) I worked on being more logical. Except, I was unable to be logical without killing my emotions when interacting with him. And when I almost completely killed my emotions, I felt even worse about myself, him, and our relationship. It was a vicious cycle that was leading me to eat more and more--part of me was screaming at him to notice how miserable I was, but I wasn't actually telling him any of this. It's hard for people to read minds and since I binged in secret and quickly replaced what I ate, it's not as if he saw this downward spiral firsthand. What made a difference for me was twofold. 1) He cut down on his traveling and it became very obvious that he was doing this so he could be home with me because that is important to me. 2) I felt God tell me, while I was praying, that I should make our house a home for my husband. I got the sense that this meant keeping things tidy and having food prepared. That kind of household stuff never seemed to affect him positively or negatively, but I did it. I think that it served two purposes. It showed my husband that I was trying to do something to make him more comfortable and in the process of doing it, I started to get in touch with my own emotions.
So, here I am feeling things. It's weird and it's sometimes scary. I still have to give myself permission to feel. But in taking this big step, I really seem to be helping curb my binges. For that, I'm grateful.
Since September, but really in the past month I have been working on allowing myself to feel life and to express my emotions. For instance, I messed up with a friend, took responsibility for my actions once I was made aware that I had messed up and apologized multiple times via email and in person. My friend didn't speak to me for about a week. I felt horrible for what I had said, which embarrassed and upset her, and I was full of angst over it. I talked to my husband about it and I cried and when I felt like binging I asked myself why I wanted to eat. This caused me to acknowledge that I was hurting and to give myself permission to hurt.
It's a weird concept, letting myself feel sadness and hurt and longing. It's sometimes very hard for me to figure out what I feel. A few nights ago my husband, on a business trip, called and as he was talking I got angry. I didn't understand why or where this anger was coming from, but it washed all over me. In the past I would have picked a fight (and I almost did this time, but he called me out on it and asked, "Are you trying to start a fight?"). I told him that I didn't understand why I was angry, but I was and needed to figure it out, so I'd call him back later. An hour later I called back because what I realized was that his call had interrupted my first blog, which was stirring up all sorts of emotions. I needed to finish blogging to restore equilibrium, and then I could call and talk. In the past, if a wave of negative emotion washed over me it would lead to a fight or to me feeling guilty for almost starting a fight or me feeling alienated because of the conversation. I would not have dealt with any of those feelings. I would have gone straight to the kitchen and started eating. This ability to step back, allow myself to feel something, try to figure out what I feel and then to take appropriate action, is all ridiculously new to me.
This new-found vulnerability is actually good for me. I think that I'm finding that the more vulnerable I am, the nicer my husband is (or maybe I'm just better able to see what has always been there). For the first 9 years of our marriage I would not have ever thought that could be the case. My husband is very logical and I thought that to be a better person (maybe even in the hopes that he would love/like me more) I worked on being more logical. Except, I was unable to be logical without killing my emotions when interacting with him. And when I almost completely killed my emotions, I felt even worse about myself, him, and our relationship. It was a vicious cycle that was leading me to eat more and more--part of me was screaming at him to notice how miserable I was, but I wasn't actually telling him any of this. It's hard for people to read minds and since I binged in secret and quickly replaced what I ate, it's not as if he saw this downward spiral firsthand. What made a difference for me was twofold. 1) He cut down on his traveling and it became very obvious that he was doing this so he could be home with me because that is important to me. 2) I felt God tell me, while I was praying, that I should make our house a home for my husband. I got the sense that this meant keeping things tidy and having food prepared. That kind of household stuff never seemed to affect him positively or negatively, but I did it. I think that it served two purposes. It showed my husband that I was trying to do something to make him more comfortable and in the process of doing it, I started to get in touch with my own emotions.
So, here I am feeling things. It's weird and it's sometimes scary. I still have to give myself permission to feel. But in taking this big step, I really seem to be helping curb my binges. For that, I'm grateful.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Remembering Jessica
Often times, with the most difficult decisions in my life, once I've made up my mind and know what I'm going to do, I'm no longer worried about doing it. Or telling others about it. It's less the action than the choice that is most important to me. Because once the choice has been made, the rest just happens. Regardless of how hard or easy living it out is, once the choice is made, there is peace.
On Sunday, February 28, 2010 I found out that a close family friend died in a car crash. She was 21 years old. No alcohol, drugs, or anything of that nature. In fact, it looks like she tried to avoid hitting a deer, but in the rain her car ended up careening over the side of a cliff. She hit a tree and died on impact.
I read an email from my mother-in-law, who is now in SC with the family, saying that this young woman felt a strong calling from God to go on a mission trip to Haiti. "Apparently Jessica had gone down the altar 2 Sundays ago and been prayed over and anointed by the pastor for a missions calling, particularly to Haiti. The church leadership had prayed together since then and decided that the church would sponsor Jess to go to Haiti and were going to tell her on Sunday. [The day after she died.] I guess Jess had just left her parent's house on Saturday night after pouring her heart out to them about her call to Haiti and them coming to some agreement as to her going."
One might ask, why would God call a person to missions, especially to a country with such a great need, and then allow for her to die before she could carry out the mission? I certainly can't answer this to anyone's satisfaction. But I do wonder if, in part, it was the decision, her personal commitment to go, that God was looking for. Maybe it isn't all about the action, but about where our hearts are and the choices we're willing to make.
On Sunday, February 28, 2010 I found out that a close family friend died in a car crash. She was 21 years old. No alcohol, drugs, or anything of that nature. In fact, it looks like she tried to avoid hitting a deer, but in the rain her car ended up careening over the side of a cliff. She hit a tree and died on impact.
I read an email from my mother-in-law, who is now in SC with the family, saying that this young woman felt a strong calling from God to go on a mission trip to Haiti. "Apparently Jessica had gone down the altar 2 Sundays ago and been prayed over and anointed by the pastor for a missions calling, particularly to Haiti. The church leadership had prayed together since then and decided that the church would sponsor Jess to go to Haiti and were going to tell her on Sunday. [The day after she died.] I guess Jess had just left her parent's house on Saturday night after pouring her heart out to them about her call to Haiti and them coming to some agreement as to her going."
One might ask, why would God call a person to missions, especially to a country with such a great need, and then allow for her to die before she could carry out the mission? I certainly can't answer this to anyone's satisfaction. But I do wonder if, in part, it was the decision, her personal commitment to go, that God was looking for. Maybe it isn't all about the action, but about where our hearts are and the choices we're willing to make.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dinner
Tonight, dinner is causing me to panic. I haven't been able to latch my brain onto anything that I'd want to eat and now I'm really hungry, which sets me up to binge. "Water, water every where, nor any drop to drink." (Samuel Taylor Coleridge)Except for me, it's food. There is plenty of food in my house. Sausages to go with my homemade tomato sauce. Eggs in any myriad of ways. Actually--that's it! I'll do scrambled eggs with truffle-infused olive oil. That's delicious and a treat.
Eggs are amazing and a frequent go-to meal for me. With my husband out of town I often think that it isn't worth cooking for myself. It's a horrible thing to think because I should believe that I'm worthy of good, healthy food. I'm worthy of spending the time it takes to put together a yummy meal. But I don't often think that. Only in rare instances (when I'm on a kick to get "right") do I eat as well when he is gone as I do when he is home. I don't, as often, have trouble making something for dinner when I'm making it for him. But I have a hard time when it's just me.
But, speaking of just me...I've finished my yogurt (I love dairy and it has lots of protein, so it tides me over when I'm hungry and need a snack--like tonight, when I just successfully averted a binge by having 5 olives, a Greek yogurt, and blogging), so now I'm going to go make my scrambled eggs. Ooohh...I think I'll have an avocado on the side too.
Eggs are amazing and a frequent go-to meal for me. With my husband out of town I often think that it isn't worth cooking for myself. It's a horrible thing to think because I should believe that I'm worthy of good, healthy food. I'm worthy of spending the time it takes to put together a yummy meal. But I don't often think that. Only in rare instances (when I'm on a kick to get "right") do I eat as well when he is gone as I do when he is home. I don't, as often, have trouble making something for dinner when I'm making it for him. But I have a hard time when it's just me.
But, speaking of just me...I've finished my yogurt (I love dairy and it has lots of protein, so it tides me over when I'm hungry and need a snack--like tonight, when I just successfully averted a binge by having 5 olives, a Greek yogurt, and blogging), so now I'm going to go make my scrambled eggs. Ooohh...I think I'll have an avocado on the side too.
Monday, March 1, 2010
My eating disorder background
I have an eating disorder. Binge eating disorder. It colors everything in my world. It completely affects the way I see myself and how I assume others see me. It is insidious and destructive to my mind, relationships, and body.
I have had this disorder since I was 9, but it wasn't diagnosed until I was 27. My particular form of binge eating disorder hibernates. From 9 until 14 that meant that I only binged when I was visiting my mom over summer break--and from June to August I routinely put on 15-20 lbs. When I went back to live with my dad during the school year, I would lose the weight without trying to. I didn't completely understand why I binged when with my mom, but I always felt like my summers with her were incredibly chaotic and confusing. I turned to books and binging to deal.
When I was 14 my family was moving from Alaska to North Carolina and that summer I made rules for myself about what I could and couldn't eat and at what times of day I was allowed to eat. It was the first time I started restricting. At the end of the summer I had maintained my weight and would start a new school, in a new state, without appearing fat. Of course, in my own mind, I was fat whether or not I actually gained weight from binging. In fact, I am conscious of believing I was fat from at least the first grade, when a girl in ballet asked me if I was pregnant. I remember practicing sucking in my stomach in front of the mirror by the fourth grade.
Anyway, from sophomore through senior years I lost weight and my binging subsided, as I followed my new eating rules. After my senior year my boyfriend and I broke up and that summer I ate very little, which dropped me to a significantly lower size for the first time in my "adult" life. I was complemented repeatedly, which fed into my disordered eating. I was not anorexic, as I did not weigh 15% below the acceptable weight for my height, but I had eating habits in line with those suffering from anorexia. I was afraid of fat and stopped eating most meat because I believed I could see and feel the fat in it. My freshman year in college went well, but sophomore year I began binging again when my world was turned upside down. I slowly put on weight, got married that summer, and the binging exploded. I was scared about being married and my dad's family not supporting or speaking to me. Even though I found greater success in school after I was married, the binging was on fire and it didn't end until after I graduated and started my first job teaching.
The pressure I put on myself and the terrorizing fear I felt about teaching that first year combined with a 40 day fast my church was doing to make a dangerous eating situation. For some reason I literally thought that if I fasted everything but dinner for 20 days, I would not lose a single pound. So I signed up to do that. And I lost approximately 20 pounds in 20 days. (Healthy weight loss is considered 1-2 pounds per week.) I dropped three clothing sizes and I didn't even notice it. The entire time I still saw myself as fat. I didn't notice that my clothes were hanging off of me. I was so preoccupied with teaching and eating that one meal a day, which was what I spent every free moment thinking about. I ravenously planned and guarded that time and even turned down dinner invites from friends who I thought would pick "bad" restaurants because I couldn't "waste" the meal. I finally realized that I had lost weight when other teachers and secretaries commented on it. I went home, pulled out clothes from my senior year in high school and found they easily fit me. After the fast ended, I did go back to eating other meals, but I began restricting and keeping a notebook so that I knew how much I ate and how many calories I burned while exercising. I kept this up throughout grad school too, where I also maintained a 4.0 GPA. I did one more year of teaching in NC and then we moved to Ohio.
I didn't especially want to move to Cleveland. The name of my blog, Oh, Cle! is obviously a reference to Cleveland, OH--a place I (unjustifiably) blamed for all sorts of unhappiness in my life. For a long time I thought that if we could just move back to NC, things would get better. I know that's not true. Cleveland is my home. And Cleveland is where I plan to overcome binge eating disorder, which started creeping back into my life in 2005 when we moved here. It hit full-throttle, debilitating mode soon after moving into our new home in 2007.
That late summer/fall my uncle died of a heart attack at 50, my house was broken into twice, I had a student teacher that I didn't really know how to help the way I wanted to, goals that I had in my personal life were unmet, and my husband was traveling for long stretches of time (weeks and months at a time). I didn't know how to deal with the chaos, fear, loneliness, anger, and hurt in a healthy way. So I ate. And ate. And ate. There are so many things I can say about this, and it really still feels right at the surface for me, so I'm sure I will over the course of this blog. But suffice it to say, I was eating secretly until I felt in physical pain and I would collapse asleep for 2-3 hours. Then I started fantasizing about purging. I imagined that puking up all the food would make me feel so much better, but I knew that puking was a sure-fire sign of bulimia. I knew bulimia was an eating disorder, so I finally told a close friend who is a doctor how I was feeling/eating and he told me that I probably had binge eating disorder and needed to see my doctor immediately.
From ages 9-27 I just thought I was a weak-willed, undisciplined slob when it came to eating. Now I know that I have major psychological issues that need to be dealt with. I also know that binge eating was my mechanism for emotional survival when I didn't know of any other way to deal with life. I'm trying to rewire my brain chemistry, my body, and thought process to respond to my world in a healthy way, but it is really, really hard for me. This blog is an attempt to look back at and deal with my binge eating disorder so that I can view the world, myself, and my relationships in a healthy way.
I have had this disorder since I was 9, but it wasn't diagnosed until I was 27. My particular form of binge eating disorder hibernates. From 9 until 14 that meant that I only binged when I was visiting my mom over summer break--and from June to August I routinely put on 15-20 lbs. When I went back to live with my dad during the school year, I would lose the weight without trying to. I didn't completely understand why I binged when with my mom, but I always felt like my summers with her were incredibly chaotic and confusing. I turned to books and binging to deal.
When I was 14 my family was moving from Alaska to North Carolina and that summer I made rules for myself about what I could and couldn't eat and at what times of day I was allowed to eat. It was the first time I started restricting. At the end of the summer I had maintained my weight and would start a new school, in a new state, without appearing fat. Of course, in my own mind, I was fat whether or not I actually gained weight from binging. In fact, I am conscious of believing I was fat from at least the first grade, when a girl in ballet asked me if I was pregnant. I remember practicing sucking in my stomach in front of the mirror by the fourth grade.
Anyway, from sophomore through senior years I lost weight and my binging subsided, as I followed my new eating rules. After my senior year my boyfriend and I broke up and that summer I ate very little, which dropped me to a significantly lower size for the first time in my "adult" life. I was complemented repeatedly, which fed into my disordered eating. I was not anorexic, as I did not weigh 15% below the acceptable weight for my height, but I had eating habits in line with those suffering from anorexia. I was afraid of fat and stopped eating most meat because I believed I could see and feel the fat in it. My freshman year in college went well, but sophomore year I began binging again when my world was turned upside down. I slowly put on weight, got married that summer, and the binging exploded. I was scared about being married and my dad's family not supporting or speaking to me. Even though I found greater success in school after I was married, the binging was on fire and it didn't end until after I graduated and started my first job teaching.
The pressure I put on myself and the terrorizing fear I felt about teaching that first year combined with a 40 day fast my church was doing to make a dangerous eating situation. For some reason I literally thought that if I fasted everything but dinner for 20 days, I would not lose a single pound. So I signed up to do that. And I lost approximately 20 pounds in 20 days. (Healthy weight loss is considered 1-2 pounds per week.) I dropped three clothing sizes and I didn't even notice it. The entire time I still saw myself as fat. I didn't notice that my clothes were hanging off of me. I was so preoccupied with teaching and eating that one meal a day, which was what I spent every free moment thinking about. I ravenously planned and guarded that time and even turned down dinner invites from friends who I thought would pick "bad" restaurants because I couldn't "waste" the meal. I finally realized that I had lost weight when other teachers and secretaries commented on it. I went home, pulled out clothes from my senior year in high school and found they easily fit me. After the fast ended, I did go back to eating other meals, but I began restricting and keeping a notebook so that I knew how much I ate and how many calories I burned while exercising. I kept this up throughout grad school too, where I also maintained a 4.0 GPA. I did one more year of teaching in NC and then we moved to Ohio.
I didn't especially want to move to Cleveland. The name of my blog, Oh, Cle! is obviously a reference to Cleveland, OH--a place I (unjustifiably) blamed for all sorts of unhappiness in my life. For a long time I thought that if we could just move back to NC, things would get better. I know that's not true. Cleveland is my home. And Cleveland is where I plan to overcome binge eating disorder, which started creeping back into my life in 2005 when we moved here. It hit full-throttle, debilitating mode soon after moving into our new home in 2007.
That late summer/fall my uncle died of a heart attack at 50, my house was broken into twice, I had a student teacher that I didn't really know how to help the way I wanted to, goals that I had in my personal life were unmet, and my husband was traveling for long stretches of time (weeks and months at a time). I didn't know how to deal with the chaos, fear, loneliness, anger, and hurt in a healthy way. So I ate. And ate. And ate. There are so many things I can say about this, and it really still feels right at the surface for me, so I'm sure I will over the course of this blog. But suffice it to say, I was eating secretly until I felt in physical pain and I would collapse asleep for 2-3 hours. Then I started fantasizing about purging. I imagined that puking up all the food would make me feel so much better, but I knew that puking was a sure-fire sign of bulimia. I knew bulimia was an eating disorder, so I finally told a close friend who is a doctor how I was feeling/eating and he told me that I probably had binge eating disorder and needed to see my doctor immediately.
From ages 9-27 I just thought I was a weak-willed, undisciplined slob when it came to eating. Now I know that I have major psychological issues that need to be dealt with. I also know that binge eating was my mechanism for emotional survival when I didn't know of any other way to deal with life. I'm trying to rewire my brain chemistry, my body, and thought process to respond to my world in a healthy way, but it is really, really hard for me. This blog is an attempt to look back at and deal with my binge eating disorder so that I can view the world, myself, and my relationships in a healthy way.
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