Nice to Self

With an eating disorder, I find myself transfixed on how horrible I am to myself.It's not always that way. I shouldn't forget that I have been good to myself in other ways, ways not associated with eating. In late 2008 I resolved to get the courage to contact a dermatologist and get my acne treated. Of course, in my fatalistic fashion I believed I had horrendous acne that would be impossible to treat short of accutane. I read blogs from people with truly disfiguring acne (pics to prove it) and believed my face was on its way to looking that bad. In winter 2009 I went to the dermatologist, only to find out that my acne was rather mild, although deep, and all I needed was topical medicine. Silly me and what a relief. :-) By spring break of 2009 my acne had basically disappeared with light scarring on one cheek, if a camera was zoomed close. A year later and I'm scar free.

Today I walked into Curves gym. I have been reading about Curves for about a year now. I was afraid to do anything but read. Even today I had a light nervousness hit my stomach as I approached Curves. But, it wasn't scary and I think I'm ready to do something nice and transformative for myself again. I like that Curves is women-only. (Um, duh...b/c it's obvious I have self-esteem issues and working out in a traditional gym creeps me out...even when I did do that in grad school, I ran in and out of there, but never felt comfortable.) I like that it only requires 30 minutes at a time because I believe I can handle that in terms of fitting that into a regular schedule and in terms of not feeling overwhelmed. I like that all the machines and the rotation is pre-determined, so I don't have to be an expert on working my various muscle groups and I'll be less likely to skip something because "I don't feel like it." I like that there is a friendliness and openness to the gym. My aunt told me that the women in her Curves talk all the time. When I stopped in I heard women supporting each other and chatting. That's good. I need that kind of positive reinforcement. I also like that I can easily track my progress with this electronic key fob. I'm excited about that because I know that when working out, it feels tiring (yes, sometimes energizing, but not day in and day out when you are first starting)and you don't see much change immediately. But knowing that I am doing more reps or whatever this thing will tell me (I haven't actually joined yet...so this is the honeymoon, "I don't really know everything, but it sounds great" stage), I believe will be an encouragement to me.

This summer, I think I'm going to be nice to myself. I think Curves will provide me with a safe place, a positive place to grow, and some accountability and support. And I know that when I'm truly good to myself, I'm less likely to binge and beat myself up, which is the whole goal.