Categories

Control. Discipline. Success. Worthwhile. Thin.

Chaos. Craving. Unaccomplished. Loser. Fat.

I see these two categories as distinct trends within our society. I see the first one as the sales pitch for happiness. I see the second one as the consequences-warning we are told if we don't buy into the first. I can't live up to the first one (I'm not sure it's healthy to, even if I could) and I'm not as far gone as the second category implies.

I find myself a mixture of the two. I used to, and still do to a lesser extent, beat myself up for what I perceive to be a lack of discipline in my eating. But that "lack of discipline" only comes because I refuse to or don't know how to acknowledge my emotional cravings (needs). I can control all sorts of situations and have discipline in some areas, leading to success (ex. 4.0 in grad school), but at the same time live in a chaotic, cluttered house (also grad school).

I vacillate between being scared to buy something and bring it into my house now because it might become clutter that will later need to be thrown out, donated, or cleaned as it listlessly takes up space (control) and then going on a clothes buying spree even though I might not wear the clothes for months because I'm not sure about them (craving). My control and craving are constantly dancing. Control and craving aren't bad in and of themselves, but the way I give in to them can be.

I do want to control my environment and myself. But somehow I do it in a really warped way that causes me fatigue, stress, unhealthy decisions, and heartache. The things that I do control, I put so much focus and energy into that I actually don't want to control anything else. I try to give 100% at school, but I come home and I don't want to make another decision, talk to another person, grade another paper or even do household chores. I want to curl up on the couch and find oblivion, which has more lately been in sleep than in food. But my issues with food have found a new route...eating more at mealtimes. I found myself at all three meals today eating past full. WHY?! Why am I doing this to myself? And here's the warped control--I felt full, I was fully cognizant of my fullness, and yet I ate more. I'm similar to the anorectic who feels hungry, knows she is hungry and ought to eat, yet limits herself to very little of whatever she determines is safe to eat. We are both controlling and punishing ourselves. Do I feel myself such a loser that I have to punish myself by eating too much?

I have made some really good strides lately. My counselor seemed genuinely proud of me for calling, arranging, and dealing with the on-going management of our lawn guy, the tree guy, and now the roofer. I kind of see that, but my focus is on the fact that my husband wanted me to attempt to negotiate away the delivery fee for our mattress and I panicked at the thought of even doing that. He dropped the demand when he saw how upset I was getting, but all I've felt since then is guilt in not trying to get out of the $38 delivery fee. I know rationally the worse thing the mattress guy could say was "no" but emotionally I couldn't handle that "no." Plus, I don't think it's unreasonable to charge a delivery fee. I wish it wasn't the case, but that's how the company wants to run and I'm willing to buy from them. Just like I think the property taxes in my suburb are ridiculous, but I want to live in my house, so I pay the taxes.

That's just a little thing. I don't know what is really getting under my skin and causing my eating issues--maybe the school year ending and the vast openness of summer break? What I do know is that I want to get to a place of even-keel, where I listen to my cravings but the cravings are less intense and I exercise appropriate (and kind) control over myself so that I can do more than just my job. I'd like to be a healthy person. The learning is in figuring out how to get there. Maybe one way is by rejecting these categories.