A Little Regression

I'm feeling a little down. I know I need to call another roofer and I haven't. I know I need to call this arborist and I haven't. I know I need to start using the new face-stuff my dermatologist gave me and I haven't. I know I need to exercise and I haven't.

I did sleep in (should I have made myself get up earlier?). I did run a bunch of errands. I did help a friend who doesn't have a car go to a grocery store (which is one of my least favorite chores and she spends a very long time shopping (2 hrs for 3 bags)). I did treat myself to getting my eyebrows waxed. I did make plans to have dinner with a friend tomorrow and brunch on Friday. I did write and mail two letters and my mom's birthday card. I did eat all 4 lbs of strawberries without any of them rotting (not all in one day!). Okay, I did some good things.

While getting my eyebrows waxed the beautician decided to tell me it looks like I have rosacea (as if I'm not paranoid enough already!) and then proceeded to tell me why her methods will cure me and are better than my dermatologist. It's a little uncomfortable to disagree with someone (or just say you're happy with the work of your dermatologist) when a woman is putting hot wax on your face and then ripping it off really fast.

Yesterday that dreaded word made me anxious and today it makes me depressed. Yesterday it unleashed a binge, today I've been pretty good. I just feel like I'm in a funk though. I'd like to get back to cheeriness, especially with the gorgeous and cool weather--that really is a delight. Hopefully tomorrow will find me pulling myself up by my bootstraps. Now it's off to putting this new medicine on my face.

Sabotoge

Not sure why I sabotage myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it! I got up, exercised and was doing well with my eating. Then at 2:30 pm I had my dermatologist appointment b/c my skin is ridiculously dry, which is making it feel really tight, burning, and red in my face. I find out that all the Pierre I drink (minimum 1 bottle a day, but often 2-3 per day)is probably contributing to my problem. Apparently carbonation causes an increase in acid, a decrease in internal ph and is making my skin dry. Giving up Pierre is proving shocking. I thought water was safe--that all water was safe. Now, the one water I love is gone!

My dermatologist then said the red pattern on my face was exhibiting potential rosacea patterns and gave me a brochure which scared the mess out of me. There are all sorts of delicious foods that I'm no longer allowed to eat. Well, technically I don't have rosacea, so I can eat what I want, but that's not the message I was repeating to myself this afternoon. My doctor doesn't even know why my face is a little red. Sigh.

At this point tonight I'm no longer as freaked out. But from this afternoon forward I just thought of everything I couldn't eat anymore. Which sort of led me to eat junkish food this evening. I feel like I'm countering my workout, which sends me into a guilt-spiral. Ugh. I just need to relax. Not everything has to be so extreme.

Friends and Memories

Another step in the right direction! This weekend, my husband and I visited some friends out of town. In college we had all shared a house together and that year was one of my worst binging years on record. I had an incredibly hard time with one of our friends, who I'm now convinced has his own issues with food. At the time, though, I didn't think that and every negative comment he made about eating, bodies, beauty, etc I took personally. In defiance I ate more and more. I remember doing it as a rebellion. (To be clear, he was never making comments about me. He was commenting on his wife (who was the thinnest of us all and remains that way today)or in general. But I was incapable of not personalizing all comments.)

Here's the good news: he made an appalling comment and I used my wit and words to fight back, rather than eating. He said something about women needing their breasts fixed after having babies. His wife has had 3 children and our other friend also has 3 children. The female friend's face just crumpled at his comment (I was standing behind his wife, so I couldn't see her). I couldn't let that comment slide. I responded in such a way that he quickly said, "Geez Karissa, you know I was kidding. [My wife] knew I was kidding." At which point his wife shook her head "no" and our other friend said she didn't know. I turned to him and said, "Well, you've known me a long time, so you should know that I don't find that kind of thing funny or a joke." BAM!!

After that I became emotionally, not just intellectually, convinced that his negative body image comments have nothing to do with his wife or me or women, but everything to do with his own issues. The realization, sinking all the way in to my heart, makes me sad for him but liberated because I gave his comments too much power in the past. And if I can do that with him, I think I might find success with others too.

What am I eating?!!

I think I'm in one of my non-binge swings. I'm not feeling particularly drawn to food. I'm handling the difficult things life throws my way pretty well. I'm slowly, but actually, changing the way I think about things (perhaps examples will come later, but I want to stay focused for now on my topic). But, I think I still consume more than I need to. Am I even within a healthy caloric intake, regardless of how I feel? I have no idea. So, I'm actually going to look at what I ate today--all of it--and figure this out, taking into account that this is not a representative sampling, but it does count for something.

Breakfast
English muffin (140)
2 TBS peanut butter (190)
1.5 slices cheddar cheese (150--this is an estimate, but the website says 1 oz=115)
1 shot espresso (9)
1 cup skim milk (85)
Total: 574

Lunch eaten at Hoggy's BBQ (I really have no way of knowing b/c this restaurant doesn't have calories posted online. I emailed them, but until I hear back, I'm going to make some estimates (hopefully on the high side) based on other restaurants' listings and/or recipes.)
1 4" pulled pork sandwich: 450
1 cup (as opposed to bowl) of potato soup: 250
12 oz Great Lakes Dortmunder:180
Total:880

Dinner
English muffin (140)
1 egg (75)
1.5 slices aged cheddar cheese (150)
1 cup plain nonfat yogurt (125)
6 oz lemonade (75)
1 shot bourbon(70)
Total: 635

After Dinner
3/4 cup Jeni's Buckeye Road ice cream (I should go downstairs and look, but this is already too depressing!)
12 oz Bell's Expedition Stout (400??? These websites aren't reliable, so I don't know)
1 square Lindt's 70% cocao

Bottom Line: before I even made it to all the after-dinner treats I had consumed 2,089 calories. Wow. I'm not going any further--this is too upsetting as is. 325 calories were from alcohol drinks during the day. The entire after-dinner line-up needs to be eradicated. I don't usually drink during the day or go out for lunch--that's just because of this workshop I'm attending. So if I ate better for lunch and had no alcohol, maybe I could still have my after-dinner beer (not every one is going to be that high). Or maybe I could start savoring a shot of something in a snifter.

Things I won't give up: lattes (the caffeine & milk is very important to me, plus I drink it with no sweeteners & I feel good about that), real cheese (I'm not eating low-fat crap b/c it tastes like crap), eggs (yes, I'm keeping the yolk--it's the tastiest part!), English muffins (darkly toasted so they are crispy), and yogurt(I love dairy & I'm already down to the healthiest real yogurt you can get).

Things I can do in moderation: Alcohol and ice cream

Things I can give up: chocolate squares, lunches at restaurants, alcohol during the day time.

I'm noticing that I'm willing to give up behaviors, but unwilling to give up particular foods. Hmm...I think that's alright. When our insurance changes over in July, I think I might find a dietitian and get educated b/c I realize that I don't really know what I'm eating and how it's effecting me...that much has certainly hit home today.

Nice to Self

With an eating disorder, I find myself transfixed on how horrible I am to myself.It's not always that way. I shouldn't forget that I have been good to myself in other ways, ways not associated with eating. In late 2008 I resolved to get the courage to contact a dermatologist and get my acne treated. Of course, in my fatalistic fashion I believed I had horrendous acne that would be impossible to treat short of accutane. I read blogs from people with truly disfiguring acne (pics to prove it) and believed my face was on its way to looking that bad. In winter 2009 I went to the dermatologist, only to find out that my acne was rather mild, although deep, and all I needed was topical medicine. Silly me and what a relief. :-) By spring break of 2009 my acne had basically disappeared with light scarring on one cheek, if a camera was zoomed close. A year later and I'm scar free.

Today I walked into Curves gym. I have been reading about Curves for about a year now. I was afraid to do anything but read. Even today I had a light nervousness hit my stomach as I approached Curves. But, it wasn't scary and I think I'm ready to do something nice and transformative for myself again. I like that Curves is women-only. (Um, duh...b/c it's obvious I have self-esteem issues and working out in a traditional gym creeps me out...even when I did do that in grad school, I ran in and out of there, but never felt comfortable.) I like that it only requires 30 minutes at a time because I believe I can handle that in terms of fitting that into a regular schedule and in terms of not feeling overwhelmed. I like that all the machines and the rotation is pre-determined, so I don't have to be an expert on working my various muscle groups and I'll be less likely to skip something because "I don't feel like it." I like that there is a friendliness and openness to the gym. My aunt told me that the women in her Curves talk all the time. When I stopped in I heard women supporting each other and chatting. That's good. I need that kind of positive reinforcement. I also like that I can easily track my progress with this electronic key fob. I'm excited about that because I know that when working out, it feels tiring (yes, sometimes energizing, but not day in and day out when you are first starting)and you don't see much change immediately. But knowing that I am doing more reps or whatever this thing will tell me (I haven't actually joined yet...so this is the honeymoon, "I don't really know everything, but it sounds great" stage), I believe will be an encouragement to me.

This summer, I think I'm going to be nice to myself. I think Curves will provide me with a safe place, a positive place to grow, and some accountability and support. And I know that when I'm truly good to myself, I'm less likely to binge and beat myself up, which is the whole goal.

SNL Boradview Security Skit

http://www.hulu.com/watch/134720/saturday-night-live-broadview-security

I kid you not, all the things they are making fun of, I do actually worry about. I can laugh so hard at this skit because it hits so close to home. This is why I own a tazer. Thanks for that Christmas gift Dad--I really do appreciate it and carry it around when home alone and scared.

And just to put my crazy in context, my current home has been broken into twice and my previous home was broken into once and on a second occasion we found a squatter living in it, selling our furniture. So...I know I have a justification for being nervous.

But, eventually I need to get past this. I don't want to be a hostage to my fears and the past. I don't want this SNL skit to be about me, although I'll probably always find it funny. :-)

Flickering Lights

I am a little bit scared. Or creeped out. Lights in my house keep flickering on and off. And different rooms are losing power. Last night my bedroom lost all power and I had to flip the switch in the powerbox to turn it on again. Downstairs, today, the family room power has gone out twice...but the rest of the house remained on. I don't get it. It makes me nervous. I'm afraid I'm going to have an electrical fire or just be in the dark all night long. Neither of those are comforting scenarios.

A little thing like that sets me off. I ate two bowls of ice cream tonight. My husband is out of town. I didn't binge for my lunch-dinner meal, but I overate. The lawn guy gave me a quote for cutting wood that is way higher than what my husband wanted. I had the high school graduation today, where I have to dress in my cap, gown & hood and walk with the faculty to the stage before the students enter. All these little things add up for me in a way that I think healthy people don't have. All of them cause me nervousness from a little (graduation b/c I've done it so many times) to a lot (lights flickering, high wood cutting quote).

I think the lights flickering really bothers me because I'm most afraid that it's going to be another thing that will fall apart in my house. And I'll need to call various electricians, get estimates, pick someone to fix it, be around to let him in the house, and then deal with any horrible problems he finds while fixing it. That's a lot of stuff that I dislike doing and it feels more and more like that's how my whole summer will look. I wonder if healthy people don't jump ahead to all the "what ifs" and worst-case-scenarios. I wonder if healthy people think, "lights flicking...hmmm...I guess I should call someone and see what happens." I don't think that way. I am currently envisioning all my walls being torn apart as wiring is updated, plaster dust/chunks everywhere. I envision then having to find someone skilled at plastering to try to seamlessly correct all the destruction wrought by the electrician. I envision having to tape off room after room and repaint all the walls because just repainting where the plaster has been repaired, or even just that one wall, will not be sufficient--it will be obvious that only one part/wall was freshly painted.

So, if you wonder why I binge, now you have a little insight into the workings of my mind and why I am frequently trying to push down my anxiety and fear. I think it might take a lot of work to stop going to these worst-case scenarios, but it seems that is something I will need to work on doing.

Limited Party Angst

Along with my eating disorder, I have a little bit of social anxiety. It's a chicken and egg question that I can't answer, but in general the social anxiety bothers me more b/c I feel dependent upon other people. I can go to a party if my husband promises to stay near me, but that's not always feasible (both because that can get awkward at a party and because he doesn't go to everything I go to). Since I recognize that I have some social fears and since I believe them to be illogical, I try to force myself to attend events.

Today I attended a graduation party for two of my former students. I accepted the invite because I had mentored one of the two young men throughout high school. I wanted to support him and by my presence show him that I am proud of him. But this was an event my husband wasn't invited to (nor would he want to come) and my usual go-to school companion never taught either student, so she wasn't invited. Instead of this being a debacle, I took a few steps that made it surprisingly successful.

First, I made arrangements with another teacher to meet her there, so I knew I'd have someone to talk to. Plus, she's incredibly social and self-confident and knows all the parents, so I knew she would dominate conversations. Second, I gave myself a time limit, so I knew I had a goal to count down to should I get anxious. (I ended up staying 30 min later because I was having fun!) Third, I woke up feeling fat and ugly. I couldn't exactly change that with a snap of my fingers, but I did make some wise moves to stunt the ugliness from spreading. I chose to wear a dress that I know I look great in--I know this because I get compliments when I wear it and I look good in my brother's graduation pictures when I wore it. Wearing something I love helped me feel prettier, even though I still felt gigantic. I blow dried my hair straight, which is a good look for me (and a change after weeks of wavy air-dried hair)and I threw on some mascara. By taking some minor and easy steps in my appearance, I eliminated potential self-obsession about my looks.

When I got to the party I had a pang of fear and I certainly stayed close to my friend for the first 10 minutes. But then I found that the hostesses were friendly and welcoming (duh!) and once I started talking to the kids, it all felt normal. In fact,I didn't need to be next to my friend as the whole thing felt reasonable and normal and even a little fun. This is in marked contrast to the grad party last year where I never left my friend's side, I felt anxious the entire time and I promptly left as soon as was acceptable.

I like when I can see change in myself because sometimes I can't be too sure. But this party, held at the same house as last year (siblings, one year apart) with mostly the same people went significantly better for me. I hope to file this positive experience ahead of all the past anxiety-prone ones so that I can build my confidence and willingly step out into more social situations. I really appreciate that dealing with my eating disorder is also having positive effects on other parts of my life. It's certainly something encouraging that I can point to when I don't feel like I'm handling the eating disorder as well as I'd like.