It's been awhile

I haven't written in awhile and I think that's partly for a few reasons. One, I've been going to counseling and I get a fair amount of my angst, anxiety, fears, and problems out in the open then. Two, I had to work on writing my feelings for the day in a journal and while that may sound like a simple act, I needed to focus my attention on that (and just recognizing my feelings in general). Three, life just got a little crazy and since I was/am a bit worried about the whole public aspects of a blog, I let it take a backseat in my life. Fourth, I've been traveling--spring break in Belgium, a beer release in Indiana, visiting family in other cities, etc. Fifth, I'm trying to focus on my marriage more, which means a concerted effort on my part to not fall into the easy, old habits of being online instead of interacting with my husband (he's away on business today).

So, are those enough excuses?! :-)

The blog wasn't far from my heart though (just like all the emails I've written in my head to my friends...sorry those haven't made it past my head yet). So, I'd like to get back to writing a bit.

Yesterday my binge eating disorder came up at lunch b/c of an innocent question that a colleague asked me. I feel comfortable/confident talking about eating disorders, in general, and I'm comfortable talking about my own BED, if someone else brings it up (this is b/c it's not exactly a conversation topic everyone can participate in & it can make others uncomfortable, so I don't just start a conversation about this topic). One thing that I am trying to be understanding about is the response I get when I'm asked what BED is and I explain it. Maybe I just do a terrible job explaining it, but afterward I sometimes find people telling me things like, "I find that if I go home I'll graze on food between work and dinner. So, I try to find activities to do so I don't graze." Or, "I know what it feels like to be stuffed." Or, "Yeah, I try to watch what I eat, but I eat more than I should." Sometimes I just want to yell them, "BED is NOT overeating (either once-in-awhile or consistently)!!!"

I have come to believe that they either willfully gloss over the psychological aspect of BED (and the reason it IS BED and not overeating)or they simply can't comprehend the psychological component. Truth be told, I don't often bear my soul (and history)about this to my colleagues, acquaintances, and not even really my friends. So, I guess explaining BED logically doesn't quite give them the picture and apparently telling them that "I used to go home and devour as much food as I could until I made myself feel physically ill and would pass out from my food-high for a couple hours, then wake up and fix/eat dinner as if everything was normal, and then buy more food the next day and eat it down to the level of food from the previous day so that no one would know I ate anything" doesn't seem to register as problematic.

Maybe it's just that until a person uses food as punishment (b/c even rewarding myself with food led to punishing binges where I made myself feel sick), they don't get it. (Or maybe they just need a huge dose of empathy.) At my core, I used food as a crutch or band-aid for all my hurt and disappointment. I also used food to abuse and hurt myself for all the failures and fears that I believed I had. I used food to silence myself from thinking and speaking. At my core, I did not believe I was worthwhile. I beat the s$*% out of myself through eating food. And since February, I've gotten serious about wanting this self-abuse to stop. But stopping the abuse that I inflict upon myself with a substance that I actually NEED, is really hard. Maybe that makes my abuse just a little more ridiculous--I can never just stop abusing this substance the way an alcoholic or drug addict can (which is also terribly difficult to stop--so that's not a dis on the hard work they have to do). I HAVE to learn how to coexist and still consume food.

On the plus side, and perhaps this really is fortunate, for me to overcome BED I MUST deal with the underlying psychological issues. Perhaps an alcoholic can walk away from alcohol and still not face her problems (although I imagine that would not make for the most fruitful sobriety). I can't walk away from food. So, if I want to get better, I have to face me.

I thought I knew me. But what I've found through counseling and reading is that I know a distorted version of me. I am starting to know and see myself with a better view because the distortions in my mind are slowly being called into question, examined, found lacking, kicked out and replaced with a healthy view of myself. As my view of myself changes, as I become truly accepting of me and can articulate that to others, I find myself slowly healing in my relationship with food. The end result of this is going to be awesome.