Full Stomach

Binging. I've been doing it for the last two days. It's not like before though. Before being, before my husband and I started really addressing our problems. I was only mildly out of control these last two days. I know, that sounds weird. I'm blogging though to help me overcome this, not because I've already overcome it. I need to start being aware of my triggers, but I'm just not sure what they are.

On both days it happened after I came home from work and after-work stuff. But I didn't come directly home on either day. On Tuesday I started to feel out of whack. I was worried about binging. On Tuesday I was busy until 9:30 pm. I ate dinner on the run (local sub shop) and ate the whole sandwich when it went beyond being full. That made me worry a bit. Yesterday, I went to counseling and talked about fighting the binge. I thought I was okay. But I came home, and even though I was full, I had been dreaming for two days about trying this new vanilla ice cream and eating jordan almonds. I almost couldn't stop eating the almonds and I had three bowls of ice cream--some plain and some with peanut butter. The sick part to admit is that I felt really good afterward. I felt calm and satisfied. I was more than full, but no where near as stuffed as I've made myself before. I also didn't feel compelled to sleep and I didn't have a pressing problem that I was avoiding. So what brought on the binge? Likewise, today, I guess I ate reasonably (when I reflect upon it in my head), but I had one slice of pecan pie and then felt like I HAD to have another. It's that overwhelming sense of NEEDING to keep eating that scares me. And I don't understand why it's happening suddenly.

Is it because Jon is out of town? Because curling is coming to an end and I don't know what to replace it with? Is it just the ridiculous hours I've been busy this week, when the earliest I've been home was a little after 8 pm? Is it because tomorrow I'm giving my principal my letter of resignation for a supplemental position that I do on top of teaching and I'm concerned about the fall-out for me and my department? Is it the recent demonizing of a colleague by the administration? Is it the helplessness I feel when I think about all the time, energy, and demands put on me by a very small minority of the students (kids on IEPs/504s) which takes away my time to benefit all students?

I'm going to sleep on a full stomach and no answers, but I feel better for articulating the things that are bothering me...even if I don't know which one(s) plays the biggest role.