Ice Cream Binge

Three bowls of ice cream. I don't know why. I had a successful day. By my standards I got lots accomplished & didn't feel particularly weird. But 8 pm came around, I flipped on the tv, drank a glass of white wine and three bowls of ice cream later I finally stopped. Now I actually do feel off. But I don't know if that's because of the binge or if the binge is because deep down I felt off. Could this be a post-stress binge? Is there such a thing?

This past weekend I was in FL for one of my brother's law school graduation. Also in town were my other brother, my mom & dad (divorced) and my husband. My dad flirted with my mom to the point that we were all embarrassed. My mom flirted a bit back and was her usual kind-self. The more my dad drank, the more embarrassing it all was...and he seemed to think he needed to drink to be cool or have the nerve to flirt or something. It was upsetting. The more they are together, the less I like it. If my dad wasn't married with an 8yr old son, maybe I wouldn't care so much. But he's not getting divorced, my half-brother deserves to have his parents together even if his mom is mean to his dad, and my parents potentially getting back together now isn't going to help my screwed up childhood and perceptions.

I'm not so angry anymore, but I remember at this same brother's undergrad graduation in 2004 when my parents were civil to one another for the FIRST time since they got divorced in 1989, I was pissed at them. How could they have finally grown up enough to now to civil to one another? Why couldn't they have worked on this in 1989 or earlier instead of the choices they made? When I asked my aunt these questions she said, "Why honey...don't you know?"

"Know what?" I asked.

"They got married because of you. They were pregnant with you."

I remember my husband's shocked laughter that I had no idea. I protested...but what can you do when your parents decided to lie to you as a child and claim they were married in 1979 instead of 1980? My mom didn't look pregnant in any pictures, so there was no physical evidence to contradict their lies.

I'm sure all parents make their kids a little crazy. By and large I like mine, and of course love them. But I keep them at a distance...both physical (I live, at minimum, 4-5 hours from one and 10-11 from the other) and emotional (I might talk to them once per week). I will probably need to find a way to deal with this b/c as I type I realize how complex these issues are for me.

I held it all in and kept it all together for the weekend. I guess that now that I'm home alone (husband stayed in FL for business and is still chilling with my family) and all my duties were fulfilled this evening, I just stuffed back down a flood of feelings I've been having since Thursday. I'm actually a little surprised at myself. I knew I felt antsy and a bit freaked before I left and I was certainly on edge while there, but I thought it was done and over with. Apparently it took me three bowls of ice cream to realize there is something still bothering me. The ice cream binge certainly didn't solve the problem, but it made me face myself and begin to consider what issues I was trying to avoid.