Trending Toward Crazy

Compared to all the horrible things around the world, my day wasn't bad. But for me, it was a series of little things that eroded my self-confidence, ate at my peace, and sent me a little over the edge.

I felt fat. This happens to many people (and probably all women), but I realized that I've just started to trust myself again with judging how I look. At some point between being diagnosed and actually getting help, I realized that I could not look at myself and make any real determinations as to whether or not an outfit was flattering or if I "looked good." I purposefully stopped trying to make those judgments and focused on looking professional. I think that I've been slowly letting myself judge my appearance and today I was mean. I felt fat and I decided I looked fat. So even though I was wearing a cashmere sweater I like, pants I've felt good in before, and jewelry my husband bought me, I felt like I looked like a train wreck. Not a good way to start the day.

Then my hair conspired against me and got static-electricity crazy. This annoys me to no end, especially when I took the time to blow dry it. I forgot a hair tie, so the static was clinging to my face all day long, taunting me.

My work laptop went into a deadly tailspin and crashed into oblivion by 9 am. It was taken away by the tech crew and shipped to Dell (or somewhere) for repair. But that stupid computer has died and been resurrected 4 times in 2 years--it was just not going to happen today. Now I have to use a MacBook, which is a brand new thing that I am not crazy about. I don't want to learn how to use an Apple at the end of the school year--it's stressing me out.

Work itself was otherwise not too bad and I did get some great grading done, but in my mindset today I never gave myself credit for that.

I had a meeting after school, had to pick up/drop off dry cleaning (or else the skirt I want for my brother's graduation won't be clean), and found myself so frustrated on the road that I was screaming at other drivers (I am assuming they couldn't hear me...). When I got home and saw that it was already 5 pm, I was near tears. I hadn't called the lawn guy to tell him we aren't using him and that was bothering me b/c I'm scared to call. Also, my husband hadn't cut our lawn over the weekend, so it is still a disaster. On top of that, I have a feeling I was distorting some things my husband said about our relationship, so I was stressing and letting that run through my mind.

All these things felt overwhelming and impossible to overcome. I didn't feel like I could face anything. In total calories it wasn't much of a binge. But in my insane emotions, it totally was. I ate a bowl of chocolate ice cream and peanut butter, in bed, and then made myself take a nap. Every time the phone rang, I'd silence it and wished I could shut out the world. I had a nightmare about my dad, stepmom, and tacky patio furniture they bought. I woke up mad that I couldn't keep sleeping--that I had to face the remainder of the day. So, I ate an avocado.

Eventually my husband came home and I talked to him about some of this stuff. In talking to him I realized that I'm also very anxious about seeing my family again in this upcoming weekend. I think maybe that fear/anxiety is pushing my feelings over the edge so everything else takes on more importance than it should. Regardless, I am certainly trending toward crazy. I am just hopeful that I can make it until my counseling appointment on Wednesday.