The Yard

I woke up a little after 2 am with images of my unkempt yard running through my head. Maybe if my allergies weren't so horrendous right now, I could have calmed myself down and gone back to bed. The sneezing and running nose were not conducive to calm though, and the anxiety built.

One of the differences between now and last year or basically any other year in my adult life, is that I am overcoming some major fears to try to deal with this anxiety, which often leads me to binge. For one, my husband gave the go-ahead on hiring someone to mow the lawn. That's HUGE b/c he does not value landscaping and has protested for years about paying someone to mow. My job was to call companies & get estimates. This is where another fear of mine manifests itself. I dread talking to people I don't know on the phone (and sometimes I get in a funk and dread talking on the phone to people I do know). When I was little, I was paralyzed with fear and couldn't call to order a pizza or make a hair appointment. By college, when of course one has to be able to order a pizza on the phone, I would write down all the information that I would be required to give before I even made the call. Yes, I literally wrote down my name, my phone number, my address and what kind of pizza I wanted. If I didn't do that, I would completely blank when asked those very simple questions.

I don't remember when it started, but sometime in my mid-20s calling businesses scared me so much that I couldn't do it until I had binged. And then frequently I still wouldn't call. So day after day I would binge to "get the courage" to call and then I would pass out and when I woke up, I'd reason that the business was closed and I'd have to try again tomorrow. Many, many things did not get done in a reasonable amount of time. A little over a year ago a tree fell in my side yard and I quickly got the name of a reputable tree-guy from a friend. Then I didn't call. Spring, summer, fall, winter, spring...finally, this late April I called. You know what? I called without binging. I was scared out of my mind. I did put off calling for weeks once the thought that, "hey, I need to freaking take care of this dead tree" entered my mind. But I didn't binge before I called and I actually called.

That's a triumph. I should be proud of that. I have been beating myself up for not calling about something I should have taken care of a year ago. But, I had to overcome an almost debilitating fear to make this happen. A fear that since childhood has gone from not-calling at all, to binging and then maybe calling, to binging and calling, to just being anxious and then calling. That's freaking progress!

On to the yard...my current enemy. I have been calling lawn services. Literally, I have been looking up companies/numbers online and in the phone book (both of which, by the way, suck...I feel like I might need to take a day off from work and creep through neighborhoods, write down the names of these lawn service providers b/c they are stenciled on the side of their trucks, but not in the yellow pages!). Then I call. And I've done it without binging and relatively reduced anxiety. My new problem is that 1) the company doesn't come "all the way out" to Cleveland Heights (and these are East Side companies!). 2)No one answers the phone, I leave a message, no one calls back. 3)Three companies actually talk to me, promise to come evaluate the property & give me an estimate, but then they don't follow through. 4) The only company to supply a quote wanted $315 a month to mow the lawn, plus they wanted fertilizer put down at $90/month, plus they needed to "spring clean" it first ($450), plus they wanted $150 for the first mow. Yea...that's not happening. At those prices (which don't include tidying the beds or trimming bushes/trees), we'd be spending more on our lawn this growing season than on our heating. That's just ludicrous.

However, because they were the only company to give me a quote, I wanted to go with them...until my husband and I talked. The thought of having to call the other companies and ask them why they haven't called back freaks me out for a couple reasons. 1) I just got over my fear and called them, but now I have to call again?! 2)It's a business! They should be calling me back. Do they have so much work that they just can't find the time to get more work or even call to say they're all booked up?

I need to call though. I can't keep waking up in the middle of the night with visions of my tall grass, overgrown flower beds, and ivy beds where I can't see the ivy anymore b/c of weeds (or are those trees?). I also don't want to stay locked in my house anymore. At some point this spring, I decided that my yard was too gross for me to be outside b/c the neighbors might make comments about it to me. (They have in the past, so this fear isn't completely neurotic.) But I'm tired of not going out. I finally articulated this to my husband tonight and he agreed to mow the lawn this weekend.

Had I not spoken up about my emotions, I know I would have binged. Calling the companies was staving that off b/c I believed that the problem would be solved soon. But knowing that I have a long way to go in this hiring process was frustrating, discouraging, and scary. My response to my husband balking at the high estimate was 100% emotional. Rather than pick a fight, (well almost...there was some heated discussion until I did a mental check on myself) I articulated my fear for the first time. Actually explaining what I felt (my home is my self-imposed prison) allowed my husband to respond in love and agree to cut the grass.

He's changing too in regard to his responses to me. I believe that in the past he would have argued that my fear and the rules I created to control it (stay in house until lawn is mowed or binge to get the courage to call) was illogical (it is, I know, but right now that's ok). Now that I can actually express my feelings, and do so before a major argument breaks out, he responds positively. I can't think of an instance where he shot me down or trampled on my feelings when I talked to him. He is consistently affirming my right to have feelings and respecting them, even when they don't make sense to him. This, in turn, allows me to feel less scared and I believe that it is slowly allowing me to overcome my fears. If I had not begun the journey of getting in touch with my emotions, figuring out how they lead to binging and other behaviors, and had the courage to express what I felt, there is no way I would be able to call about the dead trees or the lawn. I know my fears are tied up with my binging. As each fear is faced, binging has a weaker hold on me. Likewise, as I am able to let go of the binging, my fears have decreased. This might be circular logic, but it works. :-)