Hard Day

This day got progressively harder as the hours ticked away. I can't quite place where it all started...was it when my husband left to catch a flight before I normally wake up for work? Or was it watching the documentary on Genie (by Nova) three times for my Psychology class? Was it saying "no" to a chocolate doughnut offered to me before school even started when I really, really wanted it? (Is that why I ate 2 fun-sized packs of sweet tarts, approximately 15-20 Jordan almonds through the course of the day, and a brownie after curling?!)While I don't know what might have triggered it, I do know that my emotional state was revved up in my union building committee meeting.

I left the meeting beating myself up for being overly-emotional, for not giving solutions (I might have offered some, but in my heightened state I surely wasn't giving myself any credit if I did), and for being angry at what is happening to some teacher friends of mine. I tried to tell myself that I could be nice and accepting of me, that it's okay to be upset about upsetting news, but it wasn't really working. I was also afraid that I wouldn't be able to eat dinner because the meeting ran over late and I had curling at 7 pm, with necessary stops at home (for curling clothes) and the grocery store (my team's turn to bring snacks). I left the union building committee meetings teetering on edge and decided to get a sub sandwich from a local shop to help protect myself from binging at home. I ate the sandwich in my car while driving home as if my life depended on it. I inhaled it. My growling stomach felt satiated, but my mind and emotions were still reeling.

I hoped curling would help and to some extent it did. Being on the ice with my team got my mind off the problems of the day and I ended up having a ton of fun. I don't usually eat with everyone after curling, but today I had some cheese, crackers, and a brownie. Maybe I ate for emotional reasons, maybe for social reasons (we did bring the snacks for the group), or maybe b/c I had a diet coke with dinner and the sweetness was making me crave food. I don't know, but I was kind of worried before and now I'm kind of okay with it. It's not the end of the world.

Yes, I felt out of control today. But, I did some things to help me feel better in control or to acknowledge that I can't control it all. And those things helped me stave off a huge binge. For instance, I called my husband and talked to him for 3 minutes before his flight took off this evening and just that little time helped me reconnect with him and helped ground me. I gave myself healthy food. I probably did eat more than I needed to--I felt stuffed at times, but it wasn't with junk food the way it used to be. These are the small baby steps I need to take.

I need to also acknowledge and believe that even though I had some difficulties today, I dealt with them in the way that I am currently best equipped to do this. I made it through my day. Just because some things went "off" a bit does not mean that tomorrow has to be an "all or nothing" day. Some days will just be a struggle. But it's the struggle that is building and equipping me for the eventual triumph over my binge eating disorder.